Congirl, Interrupted - Part II
I finally got my moment with Jensen. There was a handler who took my photo from me and slid it in front of him. He looked down, signed it, looked up, and smiled. That was it. But the circumstances surrounding this interchange were ridiculous, so I was only slightly disappointed. We moved on to Jared's line. It was almost 10 p.m. and there were still at least 100 people who were supposed to get autographs. Most everyone in line seemed unfazed. As we inched closer to Jared, it appeared he was expending a bit more energy on each person he signed for. He had one handler on his right to prep items and one on his left to place gifts from fans in a rapidly filling box. I watched as he signed and briefly commented on some of the things in front of him. He listened to the quick stories the fans had prepared and nodded. How could he be keeping this up? Just before my cousin had her turn, he was doing duck faces and making fun of Jensen. Everyone was laughing. Her turn...then my turn...then things seemed to slow down.
Jared sat up and stared at my picture and said, "Whoa. I think I know where this is!" I was so relieved and I told him so. The moment went on long enough that both his handlers began watching him. He signed the picture. Nothing more was being said. Jared's bodyguard had time to walk up to the table and commented on how young Jared looked in the picture. I took it back and got out of the way. Others were waiting. Did I thank him? I felt seen. Validated. Jared had made my night.
I was perfectly content during my plane ride home to sit and read a book I had bought at the convention. It was about how being involved with Supernatural had changed peoples' lives. Fans and actors contributed, including Jared. He described how he was temporarily overcome with depression when he was alone on a trip to Switzerland. I read his chapter and suddenly started to cry. I simply put my sweatshirt on my seat-table, put my face down, and sobbed for two hours. I was paralyzed in my seat. I am not normally an emotional person! How could I have had such an amazing weekend and return a blubbering mess? I kept thinking about Jared. It seemed impossible that anyone could be so gracious for so many hours straight, but I had seen it with my own eyes.
At this point, my cool, confidant congirl-self was completely overrun. My instincts didn't want to go home. I wanted to keep seeking and foraging and having fun! In addition, I was worried about Jared. I thought he should not be expending so much emotional energy on his fans. Now that I had observed him and "met" him, I FELT like I knew him. But I also KNEW this was impossible. All I had learned online and at the convention had tricked me into thinking I did, and my cavegirl instincts had gotten me there.
The sadness and confusion I experienced during my return trip from the convention kept popping up even after I got home. It took me months to figure out what was happening to me. I ventured back online to do some research and sort out what might be going on. At first I was discouraged. I found reasonable explanations for why people are enthusiastic sports fans and research studies about "celebrity worship" that made me feel even more out of my wits. It seemed like there should be at least some scholarly information about the experiences of a typical congirl. I eventually learned about "context collapse" where social media like Twitter combines public and personal communication which creates an expectation of intimacy between celebrities and their fans. Some actors would rather maintain traditional boundaries with fans to protect the integrity of their characters. And some fans respect that boundary, too, since they don't want to risk learning something that would taint their love of a character an actor portrays.
But that is not the case with Supernatural. The show's creator called the fans out. And the actors have invited us in. Not into their living rooms, but close. I think their intent was to normalize themselves. Remove themselves from any pedestal. To make their lives seem less interesting by sharing some parts with their fans. But I, for one, was left feeling confused after "meeting" them. The potential for Jared and I to become acquaintances seemed plausible after our interaction because I thought I knew a lot about him. My experience with context collapse using my cavegirl brain had caused me to cross a line from social interest to personal fantasy—and I had some trouble getting back.
Life happened and I was forced to curtail my use of media for a while. Then I began to feel more centered again. During that time, I realized something: because of our evolutionary backgrounds, it doesn't take work to get lost down a rabbit hole–but it does take work NOT to. I had found that when my instincts took over relating to media, I was less aware of what was really going on in front of me. So what's a poor cavegirl to do? I needed to give my congirl a chance to regain control. And I was not going to stop being a fan of Supernatural. I am a bleeping congirl! I had to make time in my life for the thing that I liked, but not let the thing I liked become my life. It is no joke that some fans refer to Supernatural media as "crack." It had become an addiction for a few, including me. I started to pay attention to when and how much Supernatural I was using; carve out time to lose myself in it, then set it aside. As a congirl, I just need to stay alert and aware of the choices I am making—and keep my cavegirl in check.
© 2018 Penny Fie. All rights reserved.
Do you dig synth, classic rock, reggae, hip-hop, ska and new wave? If so, check out this playlist. You will be able to “feel” Congirl, Interrupted - Part II
(If you have Spotify, copy this link to listen.)
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/58t7F1aLQf8px6I1OhBg8b?si=-wcYZbpuSTOCLfaKj7bBFA